S/O to my husband, love the SAHM

You know, I’ll never get over the fact that my first real love has become my husband, and the father to our child. Like really, in what universe does that happen anymore? How is it that we stumbled upon each other in this great wide world and just knew that we were endgame?

My husband is great. Yes, there are days where I wonder why things aren’t the same as they were almost 7 years ago. Want to know why they aren’t? Because a) we grew up. We simply couldn’t stay 14 & 16 years old forever. B) we got married. C) we had a baby. Things will never be the same, ever again. Will I miss those days? Absolutely. I think I will forever miss the curly haired boy I fell in love with, just as I hope my husband will miss the skinnier, more fun girl I used to be. We might miss those people, but I love who my husband is now, too. There’s something about growing up with the love of your life and watching them grow into themselves and become the person they’re meant to be. It’ll leave you awestruck.

If you had told me in May of 2011 that I’d met the man who would marry me, move me across the country, and father my children, I would’ve laughed at you. If you’d said the same thing in August of 2014, I would’ve told you, “I know.” If you told me the same thing today, I would tell you that I wouldn’t have it any other way, with anyone else.

I don’t think there’s any question that being a stay at home mom is work. It’s hard, sometimes. Okay, all the time for me right now. And my husband isn’t even home.

I don’t get laundry done, I don’t get the kitchen cleaned or the floors vacuumed, I am notoriously guilty of “fluffing” the clothes in the dryer 50272619432 times because I’ve meant to fold them and haven’t and now they’re wrinkly. Again.

Sometimes, I can’t even cook dinner because I’m needed by a tiny human that I nourish with my body. Is what it is.

I take those days with a grain of salt and plan on being better tomorrow.

Recently, I’ve seen so many posts in mom groups (because you know all we do while nursing a baby is scroll Facebook and discuss parenting styles 😂) that sound like, “has your husband ever made you feel bad that he’s the only source of income?” And like, “my SO is upset because I don’t have time to clean the house and get dinner done before he gets home from work. We have a three week old.”

It just hurts my heart, honestly.

Do you know what my husband, who is our main source of income (this blog being my meager contribution lol), whose job is 100% harder than mine, who spends months away from us, tells me when I let him know that I feel like I’m failing?

That I feel like I’m slacking in the cleaning, the cooking, the daily getting stuff done?

He tells me I’m awesome. That I’m kicking ass at being a mom and a wife and that he loves me. That he’s proud of me, and that even though I feel like it, I’m not failing.

I think I probably expect more from myself than he does from me.

So, shoutout to my husband:

Thanks for working long hours. Thank you for sacrificing 6-8 months at a time without me, Ev, or the comforts of your own country. I appreciate how wonderful you were for the three weeks you got to experience hands-on fatherhood.

Thank you for never telling me I’m failing. Thank you for always lifting me up, even when I’m the one beating myself down. Thank you for coming home and asking what I need help with.

Thank you for being happy for me when I make it to Target. Thank you for all of the little things you do when you’re home, and all the little things you do when you’re gone, and thank you for being you.

Thank you for asking, “what can I do to help?” when you can tell I’m frustrated, overwhelmed, and being snippy. Thank you for loving me when I’m being that way. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to watch our child grow and learn from home.

I have loved you in all seasons, and in all seasons, I have thought, “there’s no way I could love him more than I do now.”

Thank you for proving me wrong, all the time.

XOXO,

The girl you called dibs on, the woman you married, the wife you made a mother, and the stay at home mom who couldn’t be more grateful.

Em.

circa 2013? I think? 😂

2014 ❤️

2015&16, respectively.

2017❤️ also, photo creds to Madison Ashley Photography for this fresh 48 shoot- which I highly suggest everyone do!

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I Hold Him a Lot

I hold my baby a lot.

Even as I type this, his head rests against my shoulder and I’m swaying in the living room trying to coax him into napping.

I hold my baby a lot.

People have said, “he needs to learn to self soothe.” “He’ll never go to sleep on his own.” “He’s going to depend on you for everything.” “He doesn’t sleep through the night yet?”

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not perfect. I am currently by myself, and sometimes, he cries and I’m busy. I can’t drop everything right that moment. The only way he’ll nap is if I put him in his crib and let him fuss for a few minutes (no, he’s not crying it out. Just fussing).

But yes, I hold my baby a lot. I nurse my baby a lot. Sometimes, all he wants is to nurse for an hour at night and I’m just like, “I know you’re not hungry. Please just go to sleep.” But I nurse him and I rock him and I hold him and snuggle him anyway.

Would him sleeping through the night be great? Absolutely. Would I love it if he’d be content to play by himself for an hour so I could get chores done? Yes. Do I wish that he never cried ever? Also yes.

But the way I look at it is: he’s never, ever going to be this small again. I will never, ever look back and think, “wow. I should have held him less and let him cry more. I wish I hadn’t carried him around so much.” One of these days, he’s going to get tired of being snuggled by Mama, and one of these days, he’s gonna take himself off to bed without so much as a kiss goodnight. I’ll have to follow him in there and remind him.

It’s frustrating, I won’t lie. My mom just came to visit, and she can attest that sometimes, nothing makes my child happy except to see you going to the ultimate lengths to appease him. While I’m by myself, it’s hard. There are days when I wake up and I’m convinced I’m going to get things done and slay the day and what actually happens is a combination of nursing, rocking, playing, and soothing a baby all day. My husband just asked me the other night, “what are your plans for tomorrow?” I just kind of laughed and told him that I’ve stopped making plans because all I do is disappoint myself when I don’t get to them. (Which is very hard for me to do, seeing as how I love to plan things, and feel better when I have a list.)

Sometimes, I feel like I’m really struggling because Ev needs me, the house is a wreck, I’m trying to keep my feelings together because hello my husband is deployed and he hasn’t seen our child in over 4 months, and I’m also trying to orchestrate another cross country move.

In those moments, yes, sometimes I have to put Ev down in his crib and walk away for five minutes. Yes, sometimes he’s angry about it. But I need the five minutes. I’m not going to be a very good mom if I’m miserable. It’s just not feasible.

Being a mom is hard. Being a wife is hard. Being a mom and a wife with a deployed husband is harder. Props to all the single moms out there who do this every day of every year, because this is so difficult.

I know it’s frustrating. I know it’s hard to be the one with a baby attached 24/7, and I know it’s awful when you’re so tired that you don’t have the energy to even clean the kitchen after the baby falls asleep.

But don’t think that you’re “ruining” or “spoiling” that baby by holding him.

They’re little for such a short time. I was pregnant yesterday and I blinked and now my baby’s 5 months old. When I’m tired, and frustrated, and feeling run down, I have to remind myself of that. That my tiny baby isn’t tiny anymore, and he’s only getting bigger.

Hold all the babies. Get all the snuggles. Cuddle him for a minute longer before you put him down. Cherish the way that little hand curls around your finger. And in those quiet moments when they’re finally asleep and you’re thinking, “ugh, yes. Please don’t wake up“, realize how blessed you really are. So many people wish they could experience your worst days of parenthood. Don’t take the best for granted.

XOXO,

Em.