The Here and Now

When you’re pregnant, it’s one of the first things you hear.

“Oh, just wait!”

God forbid you complain about not being able to sleep (because, honestly, you show me one person who can sleep comfortably with a bowling ball on their bladder), because then it’s, “oh, just wait until baby’s here. Then you really won’t sleep!”

It’s common to wish pregnancy away. We spend 40+ weeks wishing it would end and that our baby would be here and then we could go on getting to know one another.

Don’t get me wrong. I hated being pregnant. I was so grateful and in love with the fact that I was pregnant, but ugh, I hated it. I couldn’t see my feet. Walking up the stairs made me out of breath. If I took too hot of a shower, I felt like passing out. Everyone said, “oh, just wait. You’ll miss being pregnant.”

I don’t. At all. The only thing I miss about being pregnant was the ability to wear whatever I wanted and not worry about the way it looked, because I was obviously pregnant and not fat.

I am appreciative of my body for doing so well this time, and I’m grateful that I got to carry my little human myself, but if I never had to be pregnant again, that’d be okay by me.

Then he got here.

And then the “oh, just wait”s started.

“Wait until he’s walking!”

“Just wait until he gets bigger.”

“Once he’s older…xyz.”

Then he got a little bigger.

“Don’t you miss when he was tiny?”

“It was easier when he was smaller, wasn’t it?”

“Do you wish you could go back?”

And it just got me thinking. I know everyone was well-meaning and meant nothing by any of the aforementioned comments other than to make conversation. It didn’t bother me. But it got me thinking about how much we look forward to something, or how much we miss something once it’s passed.

I want to live and enjoy the here and now.

I don’t want to get so caught up in missing that tiny newborn that I forget to enjoy the smily 4.5 month old I have now.

I don’t want to be squinting so far into the future that I miss the big moments of right now.

I think people as a whole have a tendency to mull over things after they’re done. We regret what we said, we wish we’d done things differently, we wonder what our lives would be like if we had made just one different choice. I think that’s part of human nature.

I’m guilty of it, too. Who isn’t? I mean, I married the boy I met at 14. What if I hadn’t? What would my life look like now?

But I did, and what does my life look like?

I’m a woman steeped in confidence, and a mother, and a wife, and I’m someone who is more capable of handling hard days than I was all those years before.

Do I have bad days? You know it, of course I do. There are days when I am not confident, when I do not feel capable of handling what life is throwing at me, when I do not feel like a good wife or mother. But the bad days don’t rule me. Because that’s all they are; a day. I wake up the next morning and it’s a new one to do with what I see fit.

The here and now is what’s important. What happened a week ago happened, and it’s over, and all that matters right now is right now.

Right now, I am 120 days into this second deployment and even though it’s hard, I am kicking it’s ass.

Right now, my child is down the hall asleep and I’m relishing the quiet of my house. (And also blogging instead of cleaning because I can’t stand the thought of cleaning atm.)

Right now, I am happy and healthy and so is my son.

Right now, I miss my husband. I miss everything he’s missed out on in the past 4 months, and I miss that he’s going to miss out on some more before he comes home.

Right now, I’m thinking that I probably shouldn’t have drank that 3rd cup of coffee at 4pm because even though I’ve done two loads of laundry and showered, I’m still wide awake and I should be asleep.

Sometimes, the here and now sucks, too. It’s not always grand. Sometimes, the list is more like:

Right now, I’m so tired I could cry, and I can’t fall asleep.

Right now, my brain won’t stop and I just can’t catch a break.

Right now, all I can think about are all the things that have gone wrong today.

Right now, I’m wondering how I’m going to even get through tomorrow.

I’ve been on both sides, and maybe on the suckish side more often than not lately. Getting stuck in a funk is usually a few days long affair for me, no matter how much “new day” I pour in my coffee in the morning.

I’m only human. I can repeat “it’s a new day; live in the here and now; don’t give up; you’re doing great; keep going; almost there,” a million times in a day, and sometimes it’s not enough. There are times where I find myself crying in the shower after spending an hour with a screaming baby who I know is about to wake up to scream some more. There are times when I wonder exactly how much longer I can have one more bad day before I really lose it. There are times where I’m just begging the day to be over so I can start over in twelve hours.

But eventually, I wake up and I have a good day. Ev takes good naps. He doesn’t cry because I stopped looking at him for five seconds. I get some housework done. Usually an amazon package gets delivered because, obviously a day is made better by that. I might get to talk to my husband for more than 5 minutes out of the day (a rare occurrence lately).

And on the good days, it just serves to remind me to enjoy the good day. I won’t dwell on how terrible yesterday was, or be anxious about how tomorrow will be.

I’m just going to enjoy today, the here and now, and I’ll deal with tomorrow when it gets here. Because who knows? Today could be the day Ev sits up by himself or takes a two hour nap. And what good will it have done if I was so focused on yesterday or tomorrow that I forgot to look up and enjoy the now?

Forget yesterday if remembering it is at the sake of experiencing today.

Stop looking forward if it’s causing you to miss the important things that are happening right this moment.

Wake up, and realize that you’re never going to get this day back.

Live in the here and now, and make every moment of it a day you won’t look back on wondering if you should’ve done something different.

XOXO,

Em.

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