It’s been awhile. Well, not really. I’ve written a lot since my last post, but 99% of the time, I’ve hit “delete” instead of “publish”.
I can’t exactly pinpoint why. All I can really say is that it’s really hard to publish your innermost thoughts and emotions when you’re having so many.
I write a lot. Always have. It used to be poems, stories, etc when I was younger. And then I found my voice and started putting it here. But lately, I’ve been stopping myself from sharing the things I write because I worry about having to talk about what I write with the people in my life. I don’t want to talk about it. I just want to write it down, get it out, and leave it like that.
I have to preface everything by saying: this is hard. Deployment, parenting, day to day life, is just hard. And I knew it would be, and I promise I’m doing okay- really. So after you read this, don’t feel compelled to text me or call me asking “is there anything I can do?” Because no, there isn’t. I’m okay. I just need to put my words out there and also I really dislike social calls, so just leave a nice comment if you really feel the need to encourage me instead of calling or messaging.
This is hard. I’ve just got to be 100% real right now, because I need to be for my sanity’s sake. I feel like I’m floundering. I know deployment is more than halfway over. I know it’s got to end eventually. I know if I take it a day at a time I’m going to wake up one morning and go to bed with my husband that night. I know those things. I tell myself those things all the time.
Most of the time, they work. But right now, they don’t.
I’m tired. So bone-achingly tired. Not for sleep (though, honestly, I could use a good uninterrupted 8 hours). But just mind and soul tired. Reasons I’ve cried in the past week? I’ve still got some raging postpartum hormones and so I’ve cried over Netflix shows. I’ve cried because my child has cried all day for no reason, unless I was holding him. I’ve cried because my bed is really empty without my husband at home, and while I appreciate all the legroom, I’m dying for him to be back. I’ve cried because I just need to cry sometimes.
I cried because a friend told me, “you’re doing great.”
Am I? I mean, am I really?
Sure, I tell myself I’m doing great all the time. I literally hype myself up 24/7.
I’m doing great.
I’d like to see other people handle this as well as I am.
If I can do this, I can do basically anything.
Hey, I cooked real food today. Go me. I am awesome.
You’ve got this. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other.
Honestly, if you lived in my head, you’d be a pretty positive person all the time. I’m my own cheerleader.
But even though I know that I’m doing better than some, and I’m going to be okay- this is still hard.
I’m frustrated. I don’t think there can ever be anything as absolutely frustrating as being married and having a husband who’s a great dad, and not being able to depend on them. Not that it’s his fault, because it’s absolutely not. He’s doing his job, and I’m grateful for it. But it’s just knowing that he’d be such a help if he were here, and knowing that he can’t be that sucks. Being a single parent when you aren’t single is…unfair, for lack of a better word, though it makes me sound entitled and bratty.
The other side of that coin is trying to be patient with someone who doesn’t understand you in this stage of life at all. I love my husband. But he left when Ev was 3 weeks old, and now he’s going to be 5 months old before the end of February and my husband had no idea what day to day life is like for us. Again, not his fault. Not blaming him in the slightest, because I appreciate what he’s doing and know that if it were up to him, he’d be here. But he doesn’t understand why I’m frustrated at the end of the day when Ev has cried for most of it, or has refused to take a nap all day, or because dishes from last night are still in the sink or because I forgot there was a load of laundry in the washing machine for three days and was only reminded because I had to wash clothes covered in baby puke 🙃 He doesn’t understand that I’m 350% touched out and don’t want to be used as a human pillow for naptime even though it’s the only way Ev is going to stay asleep; if I hold him, which in turn makes me cry some more.
I feel like I’m just…sucking. I know if I looked at it objectively, I would see that I’m not. I know that if I were anyone else, whose husband wasn’t in the military, who didn’t live in a state she hated, I’d be like, “wow, she’s awesome. I can’t believe she’s doing so well, all on her own.” I know that. But just knowing that doesn’t change the fact that I just feel like I’m slacking. My house is a wreck. I’ve been back in California for almost a month and you want to know how many times I’ve vacuumed and mopped my floors? Once. There’s still a suitcase that needs unpacking. My bathrooms need cleaning, laundry is overflowing, and I just can’t seem to get on top of it all. And I’m trying so freaking hard. But my kid takes two 30 minute naps a day (if I’m lucky), and is his father’s child, meaning he requires 110% of my attention while awake or he acts as though he’s been abandoned. That’s just enough time for me to load/unload the dishwasher, wipe down the counters, and maybe start a load of laundry I’ll forget about for 3 days.
He sleeps pretty well at night, but by the time night gets here, I’m so tired and have zero motivation to do anything other than shower and crawl into bed until he wakes up, like he does every 2-3 hours.
And I know: just be positive. It gets better. It’ll be over before I know it.
I know, those are all the things people say. They’re all the things I tell myself on a daily basis. But you know what? They don’t mean anything lately other than to say “you’re being negative. It could be worse. You’ve gotten this far, suck it up.”
Having bad days during deployment is normal. It’d be weird if I didn’t have bad days. But I’m so sick and tired of bad days. I’m sick and tired of waking up and looking forward to nothing but nighttime again because that’s the only time everything is quiet and an hour can pass where I’m not needed by anyone.
Life doesn’t suck right now. I know that. I’m blessed beyond belief and I thank God for all He’s done in our lives.
I just feel so many things right now. I feel frustrated, angry, sad. It’s not all bad, either. I’ve been happy, in a good mood, conquering deployment, too. It’s just that the crappy feelings are the more prominent ones right now. It’s the kind of “so-much-feeling” that it keeps you awake at night, no matter how much you want to sleep.
I’m going to chalk it up to a bad month. I’ve had a bad month, this 4 month sleep regression is a beast, I just need a break, and tomorrow will be better.
Tomorrow’s gotta be better, right?
The sun’ll come out tomorrow.