I know what a lot of people were thinking when we announced we were pregnant. Grandparents were excited, parents were chomping at the bit to buy baby gear, friends were scratching their heads in confusion because “what happened to the no kid adventures?”
The thing is, the adventures end. You can always go new places and have late night excursions, you can make plans at the drop of a hat and go wherever whenever. But having a kid is an adventure all on its own. And we thought it was time for that adventure, but it wasn’t.
Miscarriage happens. A lot. 3 out of 5 women have lost at least one child in their lifetime, and 20% of first trimester pregnancies end in miscarriages. Doctors see it as a normal part of reproductive health, because it’s so common. But no one really talks about it. It’s a sort of taboo. But why?
Yes, it sucked. My heart hurts. My copy of “What To Expect When You’re Expecting” is sitting on the nightstand unopened. It hurts, and I cry in the shower. It’s a sort of emptiness you feel when you didn’t even know that a space had been filled.
So many people have called, or texted, or messaged me with their own stories. People who have been through the exact same thing, and I didn’t even know it, because it’s not something anyone talks about. And that’s a personal preference, to keep your grief to yourself. A lot of couples do. But I’m different. I’m grateful for the love and support of my family at a time such as this. It’s not only my grief. It’s my husband’s, my mom’s, my best friend’s.
That baby, as short as it’s life was, existed and was loved by so many in such a short time. I don’t know why it had to happen. I don’t know if it’ll be the only time. I don’t know the plan of God. I do know that He has a plan for all things, including me, my husband, and future children.
I can’t wonder about what won’t be. I can only pray for what can be, and allow God to work in my life to show me what will be. I am sad. I am hurt. I feel empty and am struggling with my emotions. But I’m not broken. I’m not allowing this event to define me, my marriage, or my relationship with God. I am not less of a woman, or incapable. I am grieving now, but I will be stronger, more worldly, and wiser. I’m not broken. I’m just sad.
Thank you to everyone who has called, texted, messaged or otherwise, even if I haven’t answered. We appreciate your love and your support, and just ask for a little patience.
“If ever there is a tomorrow when we’re not together, there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is: even if we are apart, I’ll always be with you.”