Why I Always Say “I’m Sorry” 

My marriage isn’t perfect. Before we were married, our relationship wasn’t perfect. There have been some incredibly rough patches, that included screaming matches, nasty comments, and I think I’ve thrown a few things at him. 

If you’ve met us, there is rarely a conversation we have where I don’t make a snarky comment, or he doesn’t make a joke out of something serious. It’s just who we are. We argue playfully 90% of the time, I would like to think. And the other 10% of the time, we’re being childish and ignoring each other on opposite couches in the living room. But at the end of the night, we still go to bed together. We still kiss each other goodnight, say we’re sorry for whatever we said 20 minutes ago, and know that the other loves us. 

I’ve heard lots of “advice” on getting married young, like we have. (I use sarcasm here, because some advice is really just people wanting to put their 2 cents in.) Some people said “don’t go to bed angry”. Others said “don’t be afraid to go to bed angry”. I’ve heard “don’t start something at the beginning of your marriage you don’t want to do for the rest of it”. “Compromise.” “Work together.” 

But I’ve never been given the piece of advice I use the most: always say you’re sorry. 

Here’s the thing: we could be arguing about something silly, and I’ll say I’m sorry. We could be arguing about something like money, and I’ll say I’m sorry. Even if it’s not my fault. Even if I don’t think I’m in the wrong. Why? 

I’m not apologizing for disagreeing with my husband. I’m not even apologizing for something I’m not sorry about. What I’m saying sorry for is I’m sorry that we’re arguing. I’m sorry I’ve hurt your feelings. I’m sorry you don’t agree with me. I’m sorry I don’t agree with you. I’m sorry for the thing I said, even though I know you know I didn’t mean it. 

The way I see it is, even if we still don’t agree about something, I have apologized for my part in our argument. I have put on my big girl panties, saddled up my pony, and said, “I love you, and I’m sorry for my part in this.” I don’t care who you are: it takes two to argue. You’re just as guilty as your partner at the end of the day, when you’ve both said nasty things to each other and y’all haven’t reached an agreement. 

Saying you’re sorry doesn’t mean you’re conceding on an issue you feel strongly about. It simply means you know that your relationship is more important than being right, or forcing someone to accept your opinion. Sometimes, we fight about such little things. We’re human. It happens. Just yesterday we argued over the fact he yelled at me because I moved his hand while working on a craft project 🙄. And at the end of the night, I still turned and said, “I’m sorry we were mean to each other today,” and he said, “I am too.” 

I always say I’m sorry, because in this life, you don’t know what comes next. He could leave for work and get recalled for a deployment, and I’m going to remember that I sent him out the door while I was angry. He could fall down a mountain during a field op and break his neck, and the last thing we did was argue. I could get into a car wreck on the way home from Target (let’s be real, y’all know I’m there 6 days a week), and we didn’t even tell each other that we loved one another that morning because we were arguing. 

Always say you’re sorry, but only for what you’re sorry for. Don’t just say it because you think you should. If we’re arguing over the way his actions made me feel, I don’t apologize for feeling the way I do. My emotions are valid, even if they’re PMS induced emotions. I simply say that I’m sorry we’re arguing. Because I am. I would much rather be curled up on the couch eating chocolate and watching classic movies than be arguing. 

Getting married at 18 and 20 wasn’t a bad idea. We had known we were going to get married since we were 14 and 16. It was just one of those things where our souls went, “OH MY GOSH, there you are! I’ve been looking everywhere for you.” We don’t argue any more or less than my mom and stepdad who got married and older, undisclosed ages. (Love you, mama.) I don’t poison his food and he doesn’t crush my eyeshadow palettes. How do we make it work? 

We always say we’re sorry. We pray for each other. We pray for ourselves. We pray for our marriage. We don’t go to bed angry, just because he knows I’ll flick his throat while he snores if we do. (JK…kinda) We don’t expect the other to always agree. 

But we always say we’re sorry for not agreeing, because it led to a (sometimes) nasty argument. 

Xoxo, 

Em. 

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Holidays, and How to Get Through Them 

Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years… 

Everyone does holidays a little differently. Some people refuse to decorate for Christmas until Thanksgiving is over, and then you have people like me…I’ve been listening to Christmas music for two weeks, Thanksgiving is on Thursday, and my house is covered in Christmas decorations I got from Hobby Lobby because they were 50% off. It’s the most wonderful time of the year, ya know? 

And it’s the most wonderful time of the year, because for the first time in what feels like a long time, I’m not playing the guessing game of “is he coming home this year? Did he get leave? Was it approved?”, and I’m also not wondering how to navigate the holidays without upsetting one side of the family or the other. Instead, we’re buying a Christmas tree and ornaments and dressing our pets up as Santa Claus and giving them ugly sweaters, there’s a wreath on the front door of our house, and I’m wondering if Thanksgiving/Christmas dinners will be edible, or if we’ll end up eating peanut butter sandwiches that night. And even though I’m stressing out about things like dinner and pies and Christmas presents and whether or not my dogs ugly sweater is on correctly, I’m so very grateful that I’m getting to celebrate our first Thanksgiving, and second Christmas and New Years married and together, in our home, with our fur children who are more spoiled than probably your kids. (Sorry not sorry).

But for the long time I’ve waited for these moments, I still remember the way it felt when the holidays came around and I wasn’t sure if Rick would be there, and all I dealt with was the questions of “is he coming home? What do you mean you don’t know? What’s leave; how does that work? Why can’t he just buy a plane ticket and come home?” 

So for the SEVERAL wonderful ladies I know or have the pleasure of a Facebook acquaintance with, that have to deal with this this year…girl, I am so sorry.  I was lucky enough that all we missed together was one Thanksgiving, but trust me, I understand the amount of stress, annoyance, and sometimes just plain loneliness that the holidays bring with them, now that it’s getting colder (maybe not so much in Texas, but a girl can hope), and light festivals are happening and you feel like you’ve got no one to go with because you’re not sure if he’s even coming home. 

So here are my tips and tricks for getting through the holidays until he’s on a plane on his way back to you:

  1. Forget about it. Don’t stress about the “what if he doesn’t come home” aspect. Just decorate your tree, make your favorite pie, buy a bottle of wine…you know, whatever gets ya through the night.
  2. Ignore the people. I know, I’m so rude. Who cares? Honestly, you can only hear, “Oh, that must be so hard,” and “I’m so sorry for you” like twice before it gets annoying and you want to punch some sweet old lady who only means well. She’ll forget all about it and you shouldn’t waste any time being upset over it. Cut Grandma some slack.
  3. Plan for the best case scenario! Don’t be a sourpuss the entire holiday season until he’s on his way home for a measly 96! Look up fun things to do around your area for the holidays, like ice skating, the Riverwalk in San Antonio, the Festival of Lights in Dickinson…sorry, you can take the girl out of Texas, but you can’t take the Texas out of the girl.
  4. Don’t forget, he’s not the only person in your life. I know, I know. He’s the best. Maybe the most important. You love him the most. (Sorry, Mom.) But while you’re waiting on word from him, don’t forget to show the people around you that you love spending the holidays with them, too. Don’t be lackluster in family traditions just because you’re sad. Love the people you’re with, even if he’s not there. 

Something else, that I think is just as important, even if it doesn’t necessarily pertain to just the holiday season:

It. Is. Okay. To. Be. Sad. A lot of the time, people say “cheer up” so often, we begin to feel like it’s a crime to be unhappy. I know I did, during that first month of deployment. But you know what? Your soul mate is somewhere other than near you. You deal with time zone differences, being in different countries, reaching milestones alone, and so much more. You are so very entitled to every single emotion that your situation brings you, even if all of those emotions aren’t positive. Don’t you dare let anyone devalue your emotions. This is your experience, and feeling it is all part of the journey.

What if he doesn’t get to come home?

I’m sorry. I really, really, am because I know that sucks. But you know what? Make a cute Thanksgiving/Christmas care package. Be corny with it; that’s half the fun. Think of starting traditions that you don’t necessarily have to be together to partake in. Those will come in handy during the dreaded deployments, where he’s bound to miss at least one major holiday at least once. Don’t let yourself be sad for the entire season. Go to the Festival of Lights, and FaceTime him. Skype on Christmas morning. Send him a letter on why you’re thankful for him. 

This life is hard, and sometimes, it’s really lonely, too. It’s okay to be disappointed, and it’s okay to be happy, too. I hope all your guys come home, ladies. I promise, the wait is worth it. I know it’s hard right now, but in a little while, you’ll be together for the holidays wondering if the cat’s Santa costume is too tight.

And for the people who ask all the questions: for the love of all that is holy, STOP.  Thanks

Also, for your viewing enjoyment, Anna Kendrick, showing how we all feel during this busy time:

“Is he coming home”

“Do you know what day he has to go back?”

“Are you going to stay here, or over there?”

“What will y’all be doing?”

“Are you sad? Am I asking too many questions? Is that a bottle of wine? Did you just drink that whole thing?”

Merry Christmas, y’all! 

Xoxo,

Em. 

I Miscarried, But I’m Not Broken. 

I know what a lot of people were thinking when we announced we were pregnant. Grandparents were excited, parents were chomping at the bit to buy baby gear, friends were scratching their heads in confusion because “what happened to the no kid adventures?” 

The thing is, the adventures end. You can always go new places and have late night excursions, you can make plans at the drop of a hat and go wherever whenever. But having a kid is an adventure all on its own. And we thought it was time for that adventure, but it wasn’t. 

Miscarriage happens. A lot. 3 out of 5 women have lost at least one child in their lifetime, and 20% of first trimester pregnancies end in miscarriages. Doctors see it as a normal part of reproductive health, because it’s so common. But no one really talks about it. It’s a sort of taboo. But why? 

Yes, it sucked. My heart hurts. My copy of “What To Expect When You’re Expecting” is sitting on the nightstand unopened. It hurts, and I cry in the shower. It’s a sort of emptiness you feel when you didn’t even know that a space had been filled. 

So many people have called, or texted, or messaged me with their own stories. People who have been through the exact same thing, and I didn’t even know it, because it’s not something anyone talks about. And that’s a personal preference, to keep your grief to yourself. A lot of couples do. But I’m different. I’m grateful for the love and support of my family at a time such as this. It’s not only my grief. It’s my husband’s, my mom’s, my best friend’s. 

That baby, as short as it’s life was, existed and was loved by so many in such a short time. I don’t know why it had to happen. I don’t know if it’ll be the only time. I don’t know the plan of God. I do know that He has a plan for all things, including me, my husband, and future children. 

I can’t wonder about what won’t be. I can only pray for what can be, and allow God to work in my life to show me what will be. I am sad. I am hurt. I feel empty and am struggling with my emotions. But I’m not broken. I’m not allowing this event to define me, my marriage, or my relationship with God. I am not less of a woman, or incapable. I am grieving now, but I will be stronger, more worldly, and wiser. I’m not broken. I’m just sad. 

Thank you to everyone who has called, texted, messaged or otherwise, even if I haven’t answered. We appreciate your love and your support, and just ask for a little patience. 

Xoxo,

Em. 

“If ever there is a tomorrow when we’re not together, there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is: even if we are apart, I’ll always be with you.”