All MilSO groups have one. The one who rushed into marriage against everyone’s advice, the one who thought her significant other’s bad behavior would change if she married him, because then she’d be with him 24/7 and know what he was up to.
She’s always the center of drama in your group. But no one really says anything against her because you feel bad for her, right? She got married on a whim, packed up her life, probably moved hours and miles away from her friends and family. Maybe now she’s stuck where she is. Or maybe she left him and went back home and got greeted with “I told you so”s from everyone she knew. All the “friends” she thought she had. So you just kind of let her stick around, even though she doesn’t fit into the sisterhood anymore.
Well, darlin’, I’ve got some choice words for the you in our group:
Knock off your pity party. Honey, deployment is hard. But we all knew that going in. Infidelity is a punch in the gut. His emotionless attitude is a symptom of the Corps. Divorce hurts, and I won’t ever argue that there’s no reason for it. Some people are just not meant to be together, and that’s okay. You had to do what was best for you, and I’m always an advocate for that. But on the one hand, you should’ve listened when your mama said, “I think it’s a bad idea.”
So good on you, though, for getting out of an allegedly toxic situation. Protect your heart and protect your peace of mind. But from one military wife to another former one, even as short a stint as yours: shut up.
There’s some unspoken rules when you marry into this life.
- You don’t air your dirty laundry. Why? Because you, E-3’s wife, are in a group with an E-9’s wife, and what she hears, her husband hears. Don’t say anything you wouldn’t want everyone knowing.
- Suck it up. Baby, it’s hard. You spend your nights alone sometimes, maybe you can’t find a job at the new duty station, laundry piles up because you’re busy with everything else. It’s 1930, he’s not home yet even though he promised to be home by 1800, and dinner is getting cold. This life isn’t normal. You knew that going in. Be sad, be angry, be whatever you need to be for 5 minutes. And then pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick, and get over it.
- The wives? Not all of them are your friends. Some are meaner than a bucket of nails, and they’ll bless your heart up and down the sidewalk while snickering “dependa” behind your back. Take everything with a grain of salt. People are mean.
- It’s not about you. What? What do you mean, Em? Shouldn’t it be about me, too? Well, yeah. But if you made the choice to leave college and get married, or give up your dream job to move around with a military man, you acknowledged that it was no longer about you. For me, I have no problem supporting my husband in his dream. Seeing him come home from deployment full of stories, or come home from work excited about the workup, it makes me happy. I love listening to him love what he does. I knew, when I married him, that I was coming second. He loves me most, but when the Corps calls, he answers. And I don’t resent him for that. My dream is our life together, and it just so happens that right now, the military plays an integral part in our dream.
So please, shut up. All we see from you is “marriage is terrible”, “19 & divorced because of the military”, and trash talking your ex, who is still serving our country. It didn’t work out for you, and you blamed the lifestyle. You’re the type of woman we all get compared to. That nasty “dependa”taunt that we all hear and it kind of digs, because “hey, that’s not me”? People take all your nasty bitterness and project it onto us wives who are still living the life. We hear your story everywhere, because at least one person from each Facebook group is in someone else’s group who’s in a group with you.
And we’re constantly hearing things like, “Oh, well I heard from so-and-so that your husbands all cheat on deployment and so it’s okay if y’all do”, “she told me that all military men are abusive, and I just want you to know you can talk to me”. I really did get told that last one.
And that’s what prompted this angry post, because I was offended. Have you met my husband? He is literally the epitome of love. He’s the type of man who does the dishes after dinner because I cooked, or comes downstairs to tell me he drew a bath, and he brushes my hair and holds my hand and tells me I’m beautiful and finds my Midol when I’m being what he calls “Moody Moose Buttons”. To have anyone think that he’s emotionally, mentally, verbally, or physically abusive because of your big mouth makes me angry.
It didn’t work out for you and your husband. And that’s okay. You weren’t meant for each other. But stop trash talking, name calling, bad mouthing the military and blaming it for your failed marriage. Because no matter how y’all feel about each other, he’s still putting his life on the line for our country, and I think that’s more honorable than what you’re doing.
So instead of running all military men into the ground because it didn’t work out for you, next time you see your ex, thank him for his service for me.
May God grant you the peace you seek, and I pray nothing but good fortune in your future endeavors. Just leave us out of it.